I realized that I can be too trusting of people, and I automatically see them in a good light. Which is not really a bad thing, but especially when people are fake, and you catch glimpses of their true self but keep believing that you are just interpreting something they said in a wrong way and keep telling yourself that their intentions are good.... Some people are fake and put on a good appearance, when they may be more biased and judgmental underneath their masks.
I don't mean to be so judgmental myself, and I know I may be biased about this because I had a tough day, but I think it's true.
It seems that the only things I write in this blog are negative. Writing is one way I deal with negative emotions; it's like an outlet for me. So the good things exist in my life, but all the overflowing emotion that I have no other outlet for flows into writing and some of it makes it into this blog.
I have no one to talk to. This is how I deal with overwhelming situations.
It's only the second day of school, and I'm already burnt out. I felt like passing out a couple of times, I was so tired. And I'm so alone.
I'm sick of this already.
I was looking forward to going back to school. For the first time in years. Usually I'm so anxious I can't eat breakfast, but I had a good breakfast the first day, and felt ....
I can't even finish writing this.
All I will say is, that now I'm under a ton of stress, I feel like crying, I hurt so much, and I'd forgotten how much this hurt, I don't know how I forgot.
Someone once told me that I knew myself really well. It's not true. I find myself ready to cry over things that I didn't know still bothered me.
For example, in class today, I found out that next week in lab, we'll be doing something that requires exposure of the upper body. So I can wear a tank top maybe, but my shoulders will still be exposed. And there's no way I can make up a story about how they got so scarred. No one has seen my shoulders. No one but me knows what I've done to myself. And now some stranger, one of my peers, will see it, make the connections, and then look at me differently from now on. As soon as the instructor mentioned that we would have to expose our upper body, I felt like crying. I didn't know I would feel that way. Obviously I wouldn't ever be comfortable with it, but I never realized how much I don't want someone to see that part of me. They don't even know me.