I've felt this way before, but stronger and more overpowering. I turned to God to help me, and He did...but sometimes I'm so stupidly stubborn.
This time I tell God I can't deal with this; that I don't want to think. I tell Him that I'm so stupid, and I can't do anything right, that I'm a failure and I'll never make it anyway.
I'm not perfect. I'm so far from perfect. The mistakes I've made in my life, over and over and over again, are far too many to count. I'm so far from being anything resembling good, despite what everyone around me sees and may think about me. Sometimes I feel unforgivable, that I've done things that are so wrong that it's impossible for me to make it right.
And still, God keeps calling me in all these little ways, never shouting, never forcing me, but in a quiet and still way, in the voice of One who knows the meaning of patience, persistence and devotion so much better than I do. He calls in the quiet moments, though they be brief and rare. In these moments, a verse or an encouraging thought comes to mind, or--like last night--I might look out of my window and see the moon, hung there by the hand of God and swung into orbit by His will and become filled with hope and longing forgetting for a minute about my inadequacy and focusing instead on His majesty.
In these moments I feel God's love and tell Him that I love Him, because I do, but somehow, out of the infinite depths of my stupidity, I turn and wander away like some dumb sheep grazing away from the watchful hand of its shepherd, wandering towards a crevice unseen, never noticing the danger until it falls, never realizing how far it has gone until it is scared and frustrated and caught on unstable ground, unable to do anything but bleat and cry for help until it comes. When I reach that point, I'm finally willing to acknowledge that I'm not the smartest one in this whole operation, that God should be the one in control. But I'm prone to making mistakes over and over again....
I was going to end tonight again ignoring God's voice, and walking further away from what I know to be good, but I came across this song, and I just started to cry.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.