My insecurity weighs heavy on my mind. Each day, I step into the shoer and am blasted in the face by a warm blast of unknowns and insecurities. The water pours down my hair and pools around my ankles, and I wonder if I will make it through the day intact.
It never leaves me. It grabs bits and peices of days past turned sour, and holds onto them, and shoves them in my face when my mind lies idle.
Confidence has been on my mind lately. It something I lack a lot of. And I used to think that when I grew up, it was something that would just come. All grownups, to me, were confident. They knew they way the world worked, and could get what they wanted from it. They were so sure of themselves, so sure of their position, their place. It was not something they questioned.
And now that I am older, I see more and more in the faces of the adults around me, that they are unsure of themselves too. I see managers who have self-doubt. And colleagues who look for approval in the eyes of others. For them to tellt hem they are good at their job, better than that other person, that they are funny, and valued.
I don't link it when I see it in other people. When I see a girl glance sideways at a guy to see if her competence, her humor impresses him. MEn who use the affiramtions of a woman to build themselves up.
But I am so much like that myself. What I want to be is the type of person who does not care about what other people thunk
But it governs my life. It is the reason why it takes me so long to dress in the morning, the reason I miss my bus to hide the bags under my eyes, rather skip breakfast then show up to school or work looking a mess. The reason I google outfits before I wear them to see if anyone else is.
It dances around me when I speak, when I smile, and tells me that I am incapable, that I laugh too loudly or do not smile enough, or are too easily pushed aroujnd or not friendly enough, or too stand-offish, and trying too hard, and speaking too loud or too quietly, acting too silly, acting too seriously.It is too much a part of my life.
It never leaves me. It grabs bits and peices of days past turned sour, and holds onto them, and shoves them in my face when my mind lies idle.
Confidence has been on my mind lately. It something I lack a lot of. And I used to think that when I grew up, it was something that would just come. All grownups, to me, were confident. They knew they way the world worked, and could get what they wanted from it. They were so sure of themselves, so sure of their position, their place. It was not something they questioned.
And now that I am older, I see more and more in the faces of the adults around me, that they are unsure of themselves too. I see managers who have self-doubt. And colleagues who look for approval in the eyes of others. For them to tellt hem they are good at their job, better than that other person, that they are funny, and valued.
I don't link it when I see it in other people. When I see a girl glance sideways at a guy to see if her competence, her humor impresses him. MEn who use the affiramtions of a woman to build themselves up.
But I am so much like that myself. What I want to be is the type of person who does not care about what other people thunk
But it governs my life. It is the reason why it takes me so long to dress in the morning, the reason I miss my bus to hide the bags under my eyes, rather skip breakfast then show up to school or work looking a mess. The reason I google outfits before I wear them to see if anyone else is.
It dances around me when I speak, when I smile, and tells me that I am incapable, that I laugh too loudly or do not smile enough, or are too easily pushed aroujnd or not friendly enough, or too stand-offish, and trying too hard, and speaking too loud or too quietly, acting too silly, acting too seriously.It is too much a part of my life.