I don't know what I want to become. I don't know where my niche is in life, in society, in this world. All I know about my future is that I want to be married and have children sometime before I turn 30. 

I'd probably not mention it, though, if someone asked me what I want to do with my life in the next five years, or the next ten. I'd say that I hope to finish school, to find a good job, get my own place, maybe move somewhere warm and sunny. But I wouldn't mention the children I dream of having one day, or the husband I hope one day to love. 

I'm the kind of person who easily will say, "I don't need to get married" or,"I'm never getting married". Mostly because I'm not open with the things that matter most to me. Usually.

But sometimes, when you fight, I believe those words I say.

Is this what marriage is like? I think to myself. Or, I'm never getting married if this is what it's like.


I see the two people I've known all my life brush past each other in the hallway by the kitchen, not looking at each other, each angry at the other, one on his way out the door. I know the way this goes. I've seen this scene enough times to know what comes next. 

And I can't help but remembering those few memories I have of those same two people when I was younger, and they were still in love. And I look at their faces and I remember the smiling faces in photographs and I think, these people used to be in love. 


I know that these fights don't always last, but I never see you make up. I only see that things slowly simmer down and return to normal. I rarely see those moments that show me that you love each other--really love each other.

When you fight, I wonder if I should ever marry, if I should ever risk my heart with someone if this is what it's like. 

If someone were to ask me what I hate the most about myself, I would be able to answer immediately. I hate that I'm so shy, so quiet, and so reserved. It kills me.  I wish it were as easy as some people think it is when they say "just speak up more"--as if I can help it. If I could change it, I would. In a heartbeat.

Not that being reserved is always a bad thing, but when you can't speak up, even when you want to, you begin to feel trapped in your own body. 

I haven't always been this quiet...but that's a long story.

Now, if someone asked me what it is that I love the most about myself, I'd have trouble answering. I'm really not sure. 


....

If I could have just one wish granted right now, I'd ask for a hug. A long, warm, solid hug. I've had the worst day today, and it has sort of torn up a bit of this barrier that I had between me and my past. All this pain and these feelings that I've suppressed came rushing back at me, and I don't want to feel them. I've spent enough time crying and grieving and I don't want to feel any of it again. 

Praying to God tomorrow will be better...

Remember:

Life is too short not to try. Give more than you take. 

Observe others. Watch what they are like, what their body language, their clothes, the friends they have, the way they speak tells you about them. And then don't come to any conclusion about them. Keep an open mind, because no matter how much you think you know about those others you were observing, you don't even know half the story.

Smile more often. Enjoy the world around you, because if you can leave your home without fear, you are more blessed than those others who cannot have that luxury.

Listen when others speak to you; stop focusing about yourself, worrying about how they perceive you. Be a friend to them and make their day better with whatever time you spend with them.

Look at your fears as a challenge--an area in which you can improve. Look them in the face and see them for what they are. Overcome, then leave them behind in the dust. Don't look back.


When you look at your face in the mirror, don't agonize over the blemishes, the big nose, the frizzy hair, or the eyebrows that you never get right. You are beautiful. Stop criticizing yourself every time you see your reflection. There is no other person like you in the world, and there never will be after you.

Keep your head up. Stand up straight. Walk with purpose.