I've been feeling a sense of impending doom lately. Anxiety. Condemnation. I've been pushing it out of my mind by the sheer strength of my will, burying beneath entertainment, distractions, light and bantering conversations with family. 

I've felt this way before, but stronger and more overpowering. I turned to God to help me, and He did...but sometimes I'm so stupidly stubborn. 

This time I tell God I can't deal with this; that I don't want to think. I tell Him that I'm so stupid, and I can't do anything right, that I'm a failure and I'll never make it anyway. 

I'm not perfect. I'm so far from perfect. The mistakes I've made in my life, over and over and over again, are far too many to count. I'm so far from being anything resembling good, despite what everyone around me sees and may think about me. Sometimes I feel unforgivable, that I've done things that are so wrong that it's impossible for me to make it right.

And still, God keeps calling me in all these little ways, never shouting, never forcing me, but in a quiet and still way, in the voice of One who knows the meaning of patience, persistence and devotion so much better than I do. He calls in the quiet moments, though they be brief and rare. In these moments, a verse or an encouraging thought comes to mind, or--like last night--I might look out of my window and see the moon, hung there by the hand of God and swung into orbit by His will and become filled with hope and longing forgetting for a minute about my inadequacy and focusing instead on His majesty. 

In these moments I feel God's love and tell Him that I love Him, because I do, but somehow, out of the infinite depths of my stupidity, I turn and wander away like some dumb sheep grazing away from the watchful hand of its shepherd, wandering towards a crevice unseen, never noticing the danger until it falls, never realizing how far it has gone until it is scared and frustrated and caught on unstable ground, unable to do anything but bleat and cry for help until it comes. When I reach that point, I'm finally willing to acknowledge that I'm not the smartest one in this whole operation, that God should be the one in control. But I'm prone to making mistakes over and over again....

I was going to end tonight again ignoring God's voice, and walking further away from what I know to be good, but I came across this song, and I just started to cry.

It says everything I was feeling, and just reminded me that all is not lost, hope is not lost. God is here, will always be here for me, will always love me, no matter where I am in my life, no matter how unforgivable I feel, no matter how lost I am. God is here, He is in control, and He loves me, more than I am able to fathom.

How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
Psalm 139:17-18

I'm just about to write my last exam!!!!!
I stayed up all night...can't wait to get this over with. :)

There's not much difference in my life since you've left. 

I used to think about how it was different when I switched to that school, how when I stopped turning around when people called my name because they weren't talking to me anymore, and sometimes I missed you randomness and your laugh and your company. And then I got used to being alone. 

Actually, that first thing I said was a lie. Because while we were still friends, we had some good times. We used to laugh and smile together, but then we grew apart. We never parted angry, though I know we faked enjoying each others company. We were two different people at the end. You had your friends and your life, and I hardly ever told you the truth about the way things were. We were friends, but I'm not sure....
Maybe I should not focus on the way things fizzled out, but on the way they started and they way they were... 

I miss being us the way we were years ago. 

I cut the last post a little short because the ground started to shake slightly, and there was this rumbling noise with a little thud every now and then. 

I thought the world was ending. lol.

I looked up weather on google to see if there was any strong winds, because that's what it sounded like; that, or an earthquake.

I eventually went upstairs and looked out the window and saw....the snow plows, clearing snow down our road. How long have I lived here and still I don't recognize the noise snow plows make?

Silly me. I should go sleep.

I just watched this video online...

...and afterwards I started thinking: I don't know if I could ever trust someone like they trust each other. They've told each other everything about their past lives.
I've never trusted anyone that much, and somehow I feel like if I ever told anyone everything, everything, about me, that there's no way they would love me anymore. 

The weird thing is that when I think about it the other way, and I think about if it were someone else telling me those same things about themselves, that I would love them in a heartbeat; I would love them no matter what their past was like.
But it's so hard when everything is reversed. 

I've been thinking about marriage lately, about how sometimes people fall in love and then fall out of love. I mean, the divorce rate  is ridiculous. Maybe we as a society don't understand what marriage means. I'm not sure that I understand.

I've heard that a marriage is never what you're anticipating when you're not yet married, that it takes a lot of work and commitment, and communication. But I can honestly say that I probably have a very small understanding about what marriage really is. 

After watching that video, I just felt like a window opened somewhere and added all this dimension to my concept of marriage. There was a part of me that hurt a little bit, to be honest. I'm not completely sure why. 

The Friday before last was tough. This Friday was less so. 

I love the sunsets here. They are so different each day, and every day the sun shines is such a beautiful day. To me, each sunset says "There is a God. How can you not see?" There's just so much beauty and depth.......I'm horrible at describing things. But it attracts me like a magnet and I just have to take a few minutes to take it all in. 

The sun is going down in style, with pink flames above the black pine treetops, and the city lies spread below as snow falls slowly, like it has all the time in the world, like there's nothing wrong in all the world anymore. 


I love that I'm not perfect and God keeps on loving me anyway. 

I want to travel before I die.